Words of Wisdom about Living
- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
- It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
- It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
- Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
- We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
- It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
- If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
- If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
- If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
- If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
- Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
- Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
- Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either!
- If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
- Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
- Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- Don't squat with your spurs on.
- Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
- Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
- Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
- Telling a man to go to hell and making him do it are two entirely different propositions.
- Tact is the ability to tell him to go to hell and have him be on his way.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
- Never ask a man the size of his spread. (Or anything else for that matter!)
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
- Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
- Diplomacy is the art of saying
good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.