Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.C)

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/* Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.C): */
#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version


void main()
{
  if (latest_window_version > one_month_old)
  {
    if (there_are_still_bugs)
      market(bugfix);
    if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
      raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
  } /* end of if(latest..) */

  while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
  {
    /* Standard Call, in lies.h */
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking);

    if (rumours_grow_wilder)
      make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);

    if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
    {
      market_time = ripe;
      say("It will be ready in one month");
      order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
      order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
      order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
      vapourware = TRUE;
      break;
    } /* end of if (rumour...) */

  } /* end of while (everyone..) */

  switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
  {
    case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
      say("It will be ready in", today + 30_days, ", we're just
testing");
      break;

    case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
      say("Yes it will work");
      ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
      pretend(there_is_no_problem);
      break;
    case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
      say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
        "the 32 bits architecture");
      inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
      inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
        "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
      inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
      get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM); break;

    case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
      say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
everyone");
      register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
      when(time_is_ripe)
      {
        arrest(journalist);
        brainwash(journalist);

        when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
        {
          order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
          release (journalist);
        } /* end of when(journalist..) */

      } /* end of when(time is..) */
      break;

  } /* end of switch case */

  while (vapourware)
  {
    introduction_date++; /* Delay */
    if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
      break;
    say("It will be ready in", today + ONE_MONTH);

  } /* end of while(vapourware) */

  release(beta_version);

  while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
  {
    bills_bank_account += 150 * megabucks;
    release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
    introduce(more_memory_requirements);

    if (customers_report_installation_problems)
    {
      say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");

      if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
      {
        ignore(customer);
        order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
guy");
      } /* end of if (smart...) */

    } /* end of if(customers_report...) */

    if (there_is_another_company)
    {
      steal(their_ideas);
      accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);
      hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
      wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
      buy_out(other_company);
    } /* end of if(there is ...) */

  } /* end of while(everyone is dumb...) */

  /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all
   * angry at us
   */
  order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_guy);
  buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
  laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_to_buy_another_unfinished_vers

} /* end of main() */


void bugfix(void)
{
  charge (a_lot_of_money)

  if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
    say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
  if (still_complaints)
  {
    ignore(customer);
    register(customer, big_Bill_book);
    /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware */
  } /* end of if(still..) */

} /* end of function bugfix() */

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